By Randy Hain. “There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
I was reflecting this morning on a great conversation I had with my younger son one Saturday a few years ago as we ran errands and grabbed lunch on his last day of winter break before he headed back to college for his senior year. In the past when my son was much younger, I had a tendency to jump right into the topics I wished to discuss: “How was school today?”, “How did you do on your History quiz?” and the ever-annoying dad question: “What do you want to do with the rest of your life?”…you get the picture. His responses were typically “yes”, “no”, “fine”, “I don’t know” or “I guess”. Sound familiar?
As my son entered his late teens, I worked harder at meeting him where he was in our conversations. That particular Saturday’s conversation was an example of this transition as we talked about sports, the books he was reading, his impressions on the events of the day, Spring Break plans and a number of other topics that interested him. I tried to just ask topical questions and let him talk without interruption while I practiced active listening. At some point in the conversation, when he felt comfortable, we touched on weightier and more substantive issues like life after college, internships, friendships, faith, grades, etc. But this substantive part of the dialogue was at most only 20% of the conversation. The other 80% of the conversation was on lighter topics that were an important and necessary prelude to the deeper conversation we had later. Sometimes in these conversations we don’t get to what you and I may deem “important” issues at all, and that is perfectly fine because I have learned that eventually we will discuss these weightier matters when the time is right. The groundwork needs to be laid first. Plus, I really enjoyed the first 80% of our discussion!
What does this have to do with work? I often observe that leaders in my network forget the 80/20 Rule applies to their work conversations as well. We are typically so busy and rushing from meeting to meeting that we don’t feel we have the time to invest in a meaningful conversation that deviates from the business at hand. What a missed opportunity! We often fail to learn about how our colleagues and team members are really doing, especially during difficult times when anxiety at work is widely reported to be at or near an all-time high, with roughly 72% to 83% of employees reporting significant workplace stress. Studies show that anxiety has become the top mental health issue for American workers, rising significantly during and after the pandemic due to toxic environments, heavy workloads, and burnout (https://www.osha.gov/workplace-stress).
We may be getting perfunctory answers to our work questions, instead of the more honest and open discussions we should be seeking. Perhaps the answer is more patience and better listening on our part. Perhaps we should meet our team members and colleagues where they are and invest in getting to know more about their interests, fears, joys and lives outside of work. We may need to simply ask their opinion with a sincere desire to hear their thoughts…and just absorb what they say without judgment. By the way, this investment in curiosity, listening and discussing the personal side of life builds trust, which is an essential building block of strong relationships.
I can’t think of a single business leader who would not benefit from more substantive conversations at work. If this is a challenge you face, like many of us do, consider the lessons of the 80/20 Rule. Take time to invest in meeting people where they are and be more patient. Be intentional about scheduling 1:1 conversations where work is only a sliver of the agenda and the rest is good old-fashioned conversation filled with life, family, struggles, successes, and hopefully a little humor. Make these meetings a priority and avoid cancelling or re-scheduling them. Ask questions with a genuine desire to learn about the other person and be vulnerable enough to share about your life. Show sincere interest in what they are saying. Be empathetic. Be patient. Give them an outlet and a psychologically safe space. Do less talking and more active listening.
The 80/20 approach is not always perfect, but eventually you will achieve richer and more meaningful discussions with those around you at work. You will also promote better connectedness and engagement. Performance will improve and employee retention will increase. People will feel heard and that you genuinely care. Doesn’t this payoff justify the effort?
Engage this week at work with at least one colleague in an 80/20 style conversation like the one described in this post. Take note of their reaction and willingness to talk openly with you. Be patient as it may take a few tries to get it right. Make this a consistent practice going forward with the rest of the team.
Good luck!
